I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
