ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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