I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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