I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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