Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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