mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
