There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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