You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
