I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
