I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
