He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
