i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
