Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
