Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
