i wish my penis had a tongue
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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