Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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