i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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