i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
