Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
