I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i now understand why vodka
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize