I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
