smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
