Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
