my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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