By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
