i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
