someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
