i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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