Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I pour the whiskey from now on
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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