i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
