Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
