At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
