I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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