i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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