I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
