a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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