My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
