It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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