Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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