you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
