Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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