Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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