Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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