Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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