I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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