I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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