Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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