Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
