Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
