Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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