I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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