I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
