I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
